Quote of the day: “Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment”

 

Edwin P. Whipple

 

Life, as simply as it can, throws me an insult pretending it is complementing me. Creates yet another ironic and full of parallels story and allows me to dwell on it. I sometimes wish I was either more used to not understanding or simply chose to not comprehend certain issues.

Yet I do.

Pieces of charity and goodness come from most unexpected places. They take forms of the couches you are allowed to sleep on, little notes slipped in your virtual mailbox, or explanations not owed but given due to the pure sense of decency. They are calming and helpful for the time being. Yet, just like year ago, somehow they seem to be coming from the wrong people. And there is nothing not right with the people, all that matters is that for the time being things do not seem proper.

Despite sensation that somehow I just went one big circle and I am back exactly where I started, life is still happening and is going to be good. Isn’t it ironic?

 

 

 

 

 

Quote of the day: “I’ve always regretted that I’m made of contradictions. But, if contradiction is impossible to overcome, we have to accept both its ends.”

Czeslaw Milosz*

On one hand each day gives birth to the new paranoia. On the other I have never been stronger.
Destiny overlaps the will and the idea that whatever is going for you will not go by you somehow coexist with the desire to work and fight and take life but don’t allow it to take over.
Russian old tales remind that mornings are smarter than evenings, and I know that and refuse to do thinking before going to bed but still get woken up in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep. So me and my thoughts are waiting for the morning. Maybe next time we should just get up and smell the coffee.
Still playing chess, figuring out which pieces I can sacrify and which should I simply take without giving anything back but then, I know that we can always play again. And again. And one more time. And noone keeps the score. But my mind does. And we both know very well it shouldn’t and we both know very well why it does.
Moving on memories to the unused part of the brain and making cut as clean as possible I find myself somehow connected to the past. Realizing everyone has a past and every past has ghosts I have the bittersweet feeling (I don’t regret, I don’t forget, I just don’t think about it… too much) and come to the conclusion the change of status don’t change people.
Future doesn’t look at all. But how is it suppose to if you take one day at the time?
And don’t like avoidance but find it comfortable. Assuring. Safe.
And I know I am transparent but as my favourite Charlotte I want to be noticed.
And I know I am hiding my pieces but I want them to be found.

*Milosz, for those who don’t know, WAS NOT A WOMAN

 

Quote of the day: “Everything lasts as long as you want it to.”

Artur Rojek

11:11 pm, some random Friday. Someone looks at me in a way I haven’t been looked at for a while and orders me to make a wish. Quick.

Quickly I wish it never goes away. I want it to develop, evoluate, grow. I realize it will be good, it will be bad and it may even get ugly but I don’t want it to go away.Quickly I think I want it to last. And I believe there is an influence on both sides.

Weather today influences the news and the situations. Half of the sky covered with clouds and raining (little big misfortunes) whereas the other half presents beautiful sun than shines on me. I avoid the rain today, slide inbetween the drops and dance on the street. Good news came, relieving news. My half of the sky is pale blue. And I know it is not the full picture but it makes me the strong half for the time being. Supportive one. Maybe even the one that can call for wind and disperse the clouds from the other half (as they only block the sun and rain and snow on everyone).

In the meantime we are connected by the rainbow.

Under the rainy half the news of Robert Altman’s death comes. And shuts me up and makes me quiet. As his movies were the castles made of sand that are taken by the ocean and for one them movies I was the drop of water in the ocean. And part of his castle influenced what I carry in my head, how I see the world and what I look for in the movies.

 

Quote of the day: “Each new day is creating new paranoias”

Krzysztof “Grabaż” Grabowski

Four pairs of nightmares and a few songs from now and then, some torn dreams and night visions, some relationships that are not totally defined, some words that are stuck in the throat and don’t want to go out, a few troubles thrown by November here and there and not in my direction, lack of sun, five hundred and thirty five questions about masses hanging from the pulley on frictionless surface to mark and me in the middle. Add also one or two weird thoughts created in not-so-straightforward mind and the idea of only so many days left to go somewhere where I am not even sure I want to go, attach red leather jacket and really why would you expect me not to fall in this mood that I used to call “I would go get married” (and come back right away). The other names for this mood were “totally internally messed up” or, as my dictionary suggests: gone round the twist.

(so I laugh up my sleeve and continue the living process, which is still really happening just slightly shifted inside)

And then Janice says: “I didn’t think it would take you so short, you know?” I didn’t think that either for that matter.

And then aunt M. says: “I am still howling for love and cry in the autumn fashion. ” And I can only write two lines of the poem and stop. Cause I am still looking for my tears.

And life keep happening. Good and a little less good, needed for happiness I keep assuming. I keep believing.
And then someone asks if I believe in destiny.

And I truly don’t know.

 

Quote of the day: “Never believe straight off in a man’s unhappiness. Ask him if he can still sleep. If the answer’s ‘yes’, all’s well. That is enough.”

Louis Ferdinand Celine

All is well therefore. Scary thoughts are replaced with calm realization there are more things into life than moons and junes and ferris wheel. Also, life goes on one day at the time no matter how hard any investment is in this regard, no matter what is being said and how things are laid down, it comes to that. As much as I still don’t want it to go away I realize the game is now absolutely fair. And, as most things in my life, this one devolepes somehow unevenly on various levels. So why would I think it does not suit me? I never ever claimed to be normal.

Overall life got back to be whatever it is in Ania-related processes. My brain randomly quotes Ally McBeal (custom), my mouth spits sarcastic comments (aspects in life have this comical taste again) and my bed, finally, is the friendly place not the suffering area. Even my fridge and I started getting along recently. Hopefully for good. Or at least for a day at the time.

Gone dancing in the hallways and moving with the confidence I found in myself again. Yes, there are helping hands and yes, there are supportive arms. But I am back on my feet and even if those will let me go I will be standing again. Let’s go and crawl through this window. It cannot be left opened for no reason. Things like that don’t happen in Ania’s world.